Fulfillment

Yesterday, I underwent the Rite of Acceptance at St. John's Cathedral in Lafayette. I'm taking RCIA classes to be confirmed Catholic in the spring, and it's been the most wonderful experience of my life. I've learned so much and I'm so glad that I have people in my life who have been willing to answer my questions and teach me, even when I'm stubborn. Which is the majority of the time.

The past month has been difficult and confusing, though, and I haven't been as excited about the new path that I've been on. But I haven't been putting forth the effort, either. I've been sick and tired and I've had a lot going on, and I haven't been making time for God outside of Sunday mass or my classes. Today is the first time I've done so in a while, and when I read the second Mass reading, I realized that my mistake is not going to God first and always, when things go wrong:

Psalms 19:8-11: The precepts of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes; the fear of the LORD is clean, enduring for ever; the ordinances of the LORD are true, and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb. Moreover by them is thy servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward.

How often do we look at the Bible as something to limit or confine our lives instead of looking at God's word as way to enrich and find deeper fulfillment? I confess, several times in the last week I have done so. I've questioned why God would want me to avoid certain things, or whether they could really matter to Him - after all, those things are a part of who I am, right? And isn't it a sort of deceit to not be myself? I've always struggled to be completely myself, and tend to resent anything that prevents me from doing so.

But loving God is sort of like having an amazing boyfriend or girlfriend that you want to change everything for. I'm not a proponent of becoming a puppet for any one's sake, so please don't misunderstand me. But if you've ever met someone that you want to be better for, that you want to change the world for, you know exactly what I mean. There's a point where you realize that even being the best version of yourself isn't enough, and that's when you deepen your commitment and change, becoming even better.

"The precepts of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart." Sin doesn't bring that kind of fulfillment. Following the wrong path and the wrong ideologies will break your heart - and have broken mine, over and over. But anytime I give God half a chance, He more than meets my expectations, and I'm amazed at how much better my life is. It's not about following a book of stringent rules or being someone's prim ideal of Christian, but it is about searching my heart and opening it enough to be amazed at how much better things are when I allow true love for God, others, and even for myself, to lead me. And I'm so thankful that even though I so often think I know better, God always knows what I need to hear to pull me back to Him.